Originally published on April 4, 2013 on the now-defunct Best American Poetry blog. Republished in The Trouble Clef.
• Orchestra: democratic dictatorship.
• Piccolo flute: ears’ toothpick.
• Piccolo’s passages: scraping of the nervous system.
• Flute: skeleton of an exotic bird.
• Flute in the low register: unheard of.
• Alto flute: melted flute.
• Bass flute: imaginary friend that makes an occasional imaginary appearance.
• Block flute: a child’s toy, requiring a highly specialized professional to perform.
• Oboe: permanently out-of-tune instrument, so much so that the rest of the orchestra has to tune to it.
• Oboist: a man who always tastes his instrument before playing it.
• First clarinet: exhibitionist of circular breathing.
• Bass clarinet: unfunny bassoon.
• Bassoon: royal jester.
• Contrabassoon: grandfather of the royal jester.
• Contrabassoon’s staccato: old king’s farts.
• French horns: cellos of the brass section with violinists’ ambitions.
• Trombones: throw a glissando at them and see what happens.
• Bass trombone: Mr. Macho Machissimo, married to Mrs. Tuba.
• Tuba: the golden halo of the orchestra.
• Mute for the tuba: Wouldn’t you wish to have one for your spouse?
• Tuba’s frullato: time for dinner.
• Orchestral pianist: percussionist who cannot count.
• Percussion section: the brains of the orchestra.
• Timpanist: arrogant percussionist.
• Harp: amplifier of silence.
• Harpist: harpy in disguise.
• Harp: undressed piano.
• Piano: a coffin for a harp.
• Piano: 88 keys for an unlocked door.
• Violin: prima donna.
• Cello: soul of the orchestra.
• Contrabass section: a mythological tortoise on which the world is built.
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